Okay, well here's what I'm seeing. You're doing a tight third-person narrative with Zehrn as your viewpoint character, right? So I'd expect you would be describing the things Zehrn is experiencing, but in some places you're just implying them.
For example, you say: Zehrn's long soft ears twitched and rotated under his back-swept horns. "You should give up on those trinkets, Vasshna. They give you away." Given that Zehrn is your viewpoint character, I would have expected a sentence in between these two, in which Zehrn actually hears the tinkling.
Also, how does Zehrn know when his troops have got control of the tower? I would have expected to SEE what he sees, that lets him know that.
Also, you've got some pretty serious info-dump going on in the second paragraph. If you want to disguise that, it would help to explain why Zehrn is thinking about those issues.
I'm intrigued by the warriors slowly turning to statues, though. Nicely creepy! And Zehrn's ears seem very real and natural.
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Date: 2008-11-05 01:59 am (UTC)For example, you say: Zehrn's long soft ears twitched and rotated under his back-swept horns. "You should give up on those trinkets, Vasshna. They give you away." Given that Zehrn is your viewpoint character, I would have expected a sentence in between these two, in which Zehrn actually hears the tinkling.
Also, how does Zehrn know when his troops have got control of the tower? I would have expected to SEE what he sees, that lets him know that.
Also, you've got some pretty serious info-dump going on in the second paragraph. If you want to disguise that, it would help to explain why Zehrn is thinking about those issues.
I'm intrigued by the warriors slowly turning to statues, though. Nicely creepy! And Zehrn's ears seem very real and natural.